#requestforhelp
Please remove if not allowed but I need help with my sales pitch...
Hey there,
I am currently in a sales job for a 3pl company (reselling shipping and freight rates for less to small business because the company gets big companies rates) . I been trying to reach out to businesses and I havent had much luck. I need help how to improve my pitch and what would appeal to you as a business, here is my usual pitch by social media, similar on email but more formal:
🔴"Hope you are doing well and safe 🙏, I just wanted to offer my help/services, I work with eShipper (22 years in business) located in Toronto. EShipper is equivalent to expedia for shipping I get major discounts (up to 70%) from big name carriers like UPS, Fedex, Purolator, DHL, CanPar and many more, I helped alot of businesses like yours save alot of time and money by having us on their side
You can get an instant quote by filling out this form bit.ly/3bwcA6l , it will give you instant pricing to any package of yours or if you provide me with dimensions then i can definitely give you a free analysis to different provinces with much shorter transit days
Did i also mention you get free pickups from your store for free and free 100$ insurance. Also we are featured on walmart as a great 3rd party shipping solution and we have departments to help you get into amazon" 🔴
The bit link sends them to fill out a form that gives an instant quote but also makes sure if they track them as my own potentional lead.
I am not sure how to seem less like a scam; because usually once given a chance businesses love the service but the issue is not getting through even an introduction and a lot of the time getting rude responses.
Please give me pointers. Much appreciated 🙏
Canadian Shipping Company | Courier and Freight | eShipper Canada
bit.ly
One of the top shipping companies,eShipper offers end-to-end shipping services including courier, mail, ltl and air freight, warehousing and fulfillment.Comment on Facebook One of the top ...
1. Call, don’t rely on social media messages. 2. Personalize every message if you do, shorten it and change it to ask about their needs vs a long message about your company. Don’t talk at people, attempt to engage in a conversation. 3. Call. 4. Words like “just” don’t help with strong messaging. And “a lot” is two words. 5. If you’re reaching out to Canadians the dollar sign comes first before the numbers.
You also spell the business two different ways (with and without a capital E). For me, I wouldn’t believe you are a legit business.
I’d suggest checking on eLance for a quick copy edit. It won’t cost much and will make a world of a difference in terms of optics
So I'm your target buyer persona & also have SaaS clients that I work with for activities like this, I've got some feedback for you: - This might be counter to traditional sales training but don't reference 'friendly help' or anything like that, speak to the business case. Straight and to the point. - Consider rephrasing the second sentence to something like "Reaching out from the Toronto-based eShipper. For 22 years we've been..." - Expedia reference is a little dated and is a point you'll potentially lose ppl - As this is based in Toronto, what market is it serving? Cdn? US? Global? - Ditch the bit.ly link, it screams like a phishing scam. Link to the email text with a URL with UTM codes for tracking/attribution in GA - Ditch the "Did I mention". You didn't mention it. It's an email. Again, give them the business case for eShipper and, once you've got them engagement, then work on building the 1-to-1 relationship
Ditch the semi-colon, cut out “alot of”, make your puntuation and capitalisation perfect, cut out half of the words so you get to the point before i feel like it is a bunch of yada yada.
Develop case studies.
Focus on outcomes, not features! Customers care about what you can help them accomplish 🙂
The easy parts: Customize your bit.ly link to something legitimate like bit.ly/eshipperquote or something like that. Can still seem scammy, so I would focus on message customization. Visit your potential clients' website/linked in and have 1 sentence referring to it -- shows you're a real person and not a scam bot. Also, realllly small stupid thing but change 100$ to $100 as that is how it is usually written out (maybe english is not your first language as i know currency is noted in that way in certain languages). The not so easy parts: Your sentence structure and syntax unfortunately need A LOT of work. Accepting the feedback above and possibly implementing a copy writer might help you develop your own writing style properly, as this unfortunately reads like a pure scam and I would not personally click on that link. Good luck!
I would invest more time in researching the contact you are reaching and personalizing the email to make your messages more about them, and less about you/your business. Try incorporating personal video using a platform like Vidyard. Perhaps this is a test run, but watch your grammar and capitalization. Hope this is helpful.
Build a lead generation ad/funnel. Target businesses on fb/Instagram You can target 1000 small businesses in GTA before you make 1 phone call. Set up your ads in a video or a carousel. Showcasing your value proposition and make sure you have social proof from previous clients (testimonials). Provide comparable rates in the area you are targeting. Offer some discount/trial. Connect the ads to fb form or your CRM ( I think goHighLevel) works well w lead generation but you can connect Mailchimp/HubSpot etc… Then set up triggers that send out follow ups (SMS) is great for initial response to your lead forms. GL
+1 on getting a copywriter. The grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure is atrocious and looks like it was written by an AI bot and not proofread. Personally I also find this way too long. There’s no hook, no reason I need to talk to you… you’re giving a bunch of info and expecting/hoping your prospect will draw their own conclusions, which will only happen if you just so happen to hit a prospect who is actively looking for and researching the service you provide. Everyone else will just move on with their day.
Pickup the phone, avoid hi how are you? Do you have a minute.... You can message me... I close 6-7 figure deals on monthly basis.
Elizabeth Dobkin we can help?
Are the emoticons necessary? For me it’s a bit of a turn off in a professional setting. I would say, generally speaking - If someone doesn’t have the time to craft a note targeted to me, why should I take time to respond?
As a busy person I would delete this email. Get right to the point. "Take advantage of our bulk shipping Rates". Or "better shipping Rates from your existing shipping company". Then explain how. I like the Expedia line. But starting emails with the platitudes is a waste of time. People want the point. Quite frankly email isn't the best solution all together. Try Google ads targeting people looking for shipping or fed ex or ups etc. Try texting as well
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